Checking in

Feeling good about this month. I've really incorporated exercise and eating better as a part of my life again. I'm not perfect, but feel really healthy right now (or at least on my way there!) I've been trying to run more but am plagued by some knee pain. I'm hoping by switching to power walking & stretching I can heal a little bit and get back on it!

That will not be me.

I watched this show last weekend, The Heroes of the 88th Floor, and it has really stuck with me. First, it was awful watching what people in the towers actually went through, both those who lived and sadly those who died. The show walked through what happened in the North Tower from the time the plane hit until after the tower collapsed and focused on two men who saved over 50 people yet lost their lives when the tower collapsed. There was an admin. assistant from the 88th floor who was older and overweight. She was going down the stairs with the rest of the people from her floor and was really struggling because she was physically out of shape and had breathing problems. Her co-workers stayed with her and helped her floor by floor. As they got closer to the ground floor, only one co-worker was still helping her. He said he didn't want to leave her even though she was covered in sweat and gasping for breath. Finally, four firefighters came into the stairwell and told him he needed to go ahead because they were worried the building would collapse. They told this guy they would carry her out, but that he needed to hurry ahead.
Sadly, the woman and all four of the firefighters who stayed behind to carry her did not make it out in time.

Do you see where I'm going with this? Beyond all the sadness that is very obvious, it breaks my heart that had this woman been in better shape, she would have made it out. Not only that, those four firefighters probably would have made it out, too. In those last moments I am sure she was scared. She was probably defeated and felt that she physically couldn't do it so gave up. There are so many times it's easy to think losing weight is too hard. It's too hopeless. It won't matter if I try. It's easier to just be chubby. After watching that, I asked myself how it would feel to know that my decision to not take care of myself not only killed me, but potentially four other people. It's terrible. I will not be that woman.
My step-dad, who was basically my dad, died of a massive heart attack at 51. Four years later, my heart still aches when I think of him. My youngest brother was only 18 years old and lost his hero. Some days I will admit that I get mad at him. Why didn't he take care of himself better?
When I think about people like them who could still be here, I realize this journey isn't just about me. It's about those who would be hurt if I wasn't here. It isn't just about looking good in a pair of jeans. It's about choosing life and health and knowing that I'm doing what I can to honor my body and live the life I was meant to.

Head cold...ugg.

It's the last month!! I'm doing everything I can to continue my great month I had. I'm working out and doing great with my eating, so can't wait to see what happens. I'm taking today off from exercise today because I have a terrible head cold and am hoping it goes away quickly.
My birthday is Oct. 18th and I want to lose 12 lbs before my birthday. I can totally do it!

My son's birthday party

We had a 2nd birthday party today for our son and I was looking at the videos we took to commemorate the day. I have such a negative self-image that it was almost ok to look at the video. I can recognize that I need to lose weight but can see that it isn't as overwhelming as it feels in my head. It actually makes me feel more frustrated with myself in some ways because I think if I would just stay on track better I could be done in less than six months. C'mon Amy! I can do this!

Stealing this from Vicki!

I just read Vicki's entry that she is going to walk/run 100 miles before her anniversary on the 8th of October. My birthday is the 18th of October and I'm going to walk/run 100 miles before then! Such a great, concrete goal to hit.
My vacation was actually pretty good in terms of weight. I didn't lose anything, but didn't gain either! Still have a loss going for this month so I'm just trying to add to it before the month is over!!

Vacation for a week......

So we're leaving Tuesday morning to go to Boston for a college friend's wedding. I'm a little concerned about maintaining good eating. It's always so hard when we're not at home but I'm going to do the best that I can. I'm not a big protein bar eater, but might bring some with just to prevent eating poorly when I don't have a lot of choices.
We're also traveling with our little ones (23 months old and 4 months old). I'm not too excited about that part of the trip. It's hard enough for me to be out of my routine....it's way harder for them. Also, have you ever attended a wedding with two babies? Of course none of our college friends with children will be there so we won't be able to commiserate with anyone. The wedding doesn't start until 6:30pm and we have no friends or family in Boston (other than the bride) so have no one to leave the kiddos with to avoid bringing babies to an evening wedding. I might need a vacation from this vacation!

Great Start!

Last week I lost 2.5 lbs. I'll take it!
This month I have really focused more on eating clean. It's amazing how much easier it is for me to say no to junk when I'm eating well. I'm also starting to read The New Rules of Lifting For Women and have to say it's all resonating so much with me. There is a lot of information and many studies to back up their conclusions, which I really like. I am starting the actual workout program tomorrow and can't wait! I'll let you know how it goes. There is also a diet portion in the book but I feel pretty good with what I have going so am going to stick with it.

Pit in my stomach

I sucked so badly in July. Really. Really. Badly. Wait...is it bad or badly? Anyway, you get the point.
Since I weighed myself this morning and saw that I lost absolutely nothing in the month of July, I can't stop thinking about it. I have excuses, oh yes I do. I developed runner's knee in my left knee that prevented me from running (or walk/jogging...who am I kidding?). I also had a million of those days that go like this "Ok, today you can eat this cookie but tomorrow you're done. I mean it this time. Tomorrow there will be no cheese, no coffees, and no sugar."  And you can guess what happens the next day.
So I keep wondering how I can want something so much and not do what I know it takes to get there. I'm starting to think I've made myself so many promises and broken them that I don't even believe myself. So how do I get that back? The only answer I have is to make myself a promise and stick to it. It really isn't that hard, right? I've lost weight before, I know how to do it. I'm just so sad to have to do it again. Ug! I always maintained my loss until I got pregnant with my son and really just got out of control but thought it would all just fall off after he was born. Um, not so much.
So, here's to a new month. Here's to rebuilding the trust I've lost and hoping that this time next month I'll have a giant smile across my face and a few less dimples on my ass. ;)

Perfect Day...bite me

So much for that! I think I set myself up for failure. Friday was my 2nd perfect day in a row. We went out for dinner that night to an Italian restaurant and my food choices were less than stellar. They weren't bad, I did the best with what I had to work with on the menu, but I knew it wasn't 'perfect' which set me up for not perfect days for the last 3 in a row. I even ate Annie's chocolate bunny crackers with my toddler today for goodness sake!
I'll be lucky if I make it out of July with any weight loss at all. I'm bummed about it, but know August is a new beginning. I'm prepping for that new beginning with some new plans for eating and actually scheduling my workouts. I've lost 15 lbs since the middle of May so I've gotten a taste of it. I'm just dying to really get the ball rolling again and wish I could understand why I sabotage myself so well. Gotta figure it out.

One Perfect Day!

I started thinking about how there aren't too many days left in this month and planning what I was going to do to make them count. Yeah, that never works for me. So, rather than look into the future, I'm only looking at right now.
Yesterday morning I woke up and told myself that today I would eat perfectly, drink 128 oz of water and workout. Every time I was tempted by something I shouldn't have, I'd repeat 'one perfect day' and it worked. I went to bed a total success. Today was perfect day #2. I think I might be on to something....:)

Gotta give myself a break sometimes

Back to the positive mental attitude! Had a revelation this morning. I haven't been weighing myself for the last week because I was disgusted with the scale. I just kept thinking it'd say more than I wanted to see. I have been eating well and exercising so don't know why I was beating myself up so much.
This morning I decided to step on the scale after drinking 32 oz of water and eating breakfast. Guess what? It was only a lb more than what I had gotten down to a week ago. Hello! 32 oz of water is 2 lbs and I had a bowl of cereal to boot. So, I need to just lay off myself. I'm not sure what the answer is. Weighing myself every day means I'm tied to that damn number for the day but when I don't do it, I assume the worst. I know that your attitude and outlook can impact your outcome so I just need to give myself credit for what I've been doing. I'm working out more and eating better than I have for a long time. Go me! Like I said on Wendy's blog, I am going to look at what I've done and even if I don't win a dollar in this competition, consider it the best $50 spent. Don't take that to mean I don't want to win. I'm coming for the money! :)

Not feeling it this week

Not to be a downer, but I'm kind of blah this week. I've managed to lose what I gained on vacation (grr) and now feel annoyed that half the month is gone and I've made absolutely no progress because of it.
I'm re-examining my diet and see some areas that need to be tweaked but don't feel like I have too much that I can still change. I was talking to a friend tonight who happens to be a Weight Watchers leader and she said to focus on drinking water, making sure I'm getting 2-3 servings of dairy products and healthy oils as well as 8 servings of fruits/vegetables daily. So, that's what I'm going to do.

My knee has been hurting and I decided to take today off from working out to give it a rest. It freaks me out a little bit because I've never had an injury from exercising. It makes me feel like I'm getting old! Oh wait....I am! I'm starting to think it's my pride that wants me to be a runner and maybe I'm just better off sticking to power walking and running when I feel like it, rather than focus on building some running plan until I lose more weight. Ah, we'll see.

Physical discomfort

I went for a run/walk tonight and was thinking a lot about physical discomfort. I started thinking about it because my left knee felt really tight and sore when I ran on it. My first thought was to stop running and just walk the whole time but I didn't let myself do that. I thought of my friend Kacee who is a running freak. She said one time that if you want to run you just have to run through pain sometimes. It doesn't always feel perfect.

I started thinking about how my entire life has been about avoiding physical discomfort in the 'now'. What I mean by that is if I'm hungry at all, I eat. If something hurts, I stop what I'm doing. If I'm too cold, I must get warm and vice versa. I'm sure a lot of us are like that, right? You'd think that not liking physical discomfort would mean I wouldn't let myself get overweight. It is definitely not comfortable! The problem is that getting rid of the physical discomfort caused by extra weight involves subjecting myself to a little physical discomfort. How's that for a predicament?

My goal for this month is to let myself experience a little discomfort. Be a little hungry, a little sore, a little too hot and learn to be ok with it....and by the way, I've been drinking over 100oz of water a day. Hello! It's been a great challenge.

Fingers crossed....

that I didn't undo all the good I did last month!
I just got back from our vacation in Oregon. We went back for my sister's wedding and it was pure chaos. I'm tired, bloated, and feeling a bit hopeless because I did nothing to control what I put in my mouth.
I will also say I'm a bit disappointed I didn't do well enough to place in the top 3 last month. But, then I remember this is for me and I did a great job exercising and eating well. I just have to stick with it and remember why I'm here.
Tomorrow's a new day...back on the horse!

Damn scale

I need to put my scale away. I'm finding that my amount of determination is directly correlated to what the scale is telling me. Granted, it hasn't moved that much this month, but it has been just enough to keep me feeling good.

I started running last week. Yep, running! Since that is more physical exertion than I had been putting out, I expected a loss. What have I got? Nothing. Not even a half a pound this week. What are you guys doing to keep yourself motivated? Staying away from the scale? It hasn't gotten to the point where I'm weighing myself before and after going to the bathroom to see if it changed (oh, don't judge me - like you've never done that!) but I do feel myself getting a little too attached to that damn thing.

Feeling pretty good

So, I have been pretty focused on the competition part of this....competition and letting it stress me out a bit.  I could choose to continue to focus on whether or not I've lost enough weight to be doing well compared to the rest of you, but tonight I just feel pretty proud of myself and am choosing to focus on what I've done for me, regardless of whether I win or lose anything. This month I have:

• tracked my food, every day. honestly.
• exercised at least 5 days a week
• tried the Fit 2B Mom workout class (kicked my butt, but I'm going back!)
• chose to exercise (Jillian's 30 day shred) today during my little ones' nap time, rather than sleeping with them

A month ago I felt out of control. I was eating every time I walked into the kitchen and not really paying attention to how much I was putting in my mouth. I was hesitant to change my ways because I thought it would be too hard. After cleaning up my diet, I don't have cravings for all the crap I was eating and feel in control of my future. Totally exciting and today I really feel hopeful, proud, and excited to know I can do this, regardless of how I stack up in this competition!

Random

Great start to the week! I have a few random thoughts to share:

Kristen from Fit 2B Moms came to my son's playgroup a few weeks ago. She does stroller-based fitness classes for moms which totally defeats my 'no time to exercise because I have two little ones' excuse. I'm a little intimidated because I know I'm pretty out of shape, but I'm biting the bullet and trying her class tomorrow. Yay for me! ;) She offers the first three classes for free and 1/2 off your first month. Very excited to have some social exercise.

I am IN LOVE with the MorningStar Spicy Chipotle Black Bean Burgers. They are yum-my! 120 calories per burger which I put on a 100 cal sandwich thin with lettuce, pickles, tomato and 1 tbsp of light sour cream (20 calories)....pair it with a salad drizzled with a little balsamic vinegar and it's a totally filling lunch for around 250 calories!!

Last random thought to share: I can see why Betheny Frankel made $150 Mil from Skinnygirl Margaritas. My good friend twisted my arm (wink wink) this weekend and made me try it. Seriously, I'm not a big drinker and know it's just a bunch of empty calories (especially when you're in a competition!) but if you MUST imbibe and like margaritas, you must try it! 100 calories for a 4oz margarita!!! Hello!

Food for thought (less calories that way)

I've been thinking all day about what my long term goals are and what I really want to accomplish with this competition. First, I want to win some money! ;) Just kidding, well...kind of. 

First and foremost, I really want to be a role model for my kids.  Ok, scratch that! Good or bad, I AM a role model for my kids.  I want to give them the best start in life and that includes eating well and exercising. I can't expect them to do it if I'm not. Secondly, I want to feel really good about my body and what it is capable of doing. 

So, what am I hoping to accomplish? Here are my main goals:

1. Lose 35-40 lbs by the end of the competition and in order for that to happen, I need to:

a. Continue to write down everything I put into my mouth and stay within my range for the day

b. exercise at least 5 days a week

And what could possibly keep me from meeting those goals, you ask?

1. I have a 21 month old and a 2 month old that I stay home with so I have no time to myself during the day to exercise. I am with a baby 24/7 (is that all one excuse?) lol

2.  It's summer and too hot to exercise outside during the day.

3. It takes too long to prepare healthy meals

4. Due to excuse #1, I am so tired! By the end of the day, all the motivation I had earlier in the day to exercise is completely gone.

5. I'm exclusively breastfeeding my 2 month old and am so scared of overdoing it and losing my milk. Also related to that, I get really frustrated because I am NOT one of those women who loses weight from just breastfeeding. My body holds onto those love handles for dear life! With my first baby, I dropped 10 lbs when I stopped breastfeeding him.

So, what can I do to squash these excuses?

1. I have a double jogging stroller, and have been using it to take the babies with me.

2. I can rearrange my schedule to get the kids out of the house early enough to avoid the heat of the day. It also helps break up our mornings.

3. One thing I started doing last week that I'm continuing is making one giant salad and storing it in the fridge. I can eat salad with lunch for more volume and have salad pre-made for dinner to avoid going to higher calorie sides. I've also been throwing extra chicken breasts on the grill when I cook for dinner and eating them for lunches, much less prep time!

4. Either exercise in the morning or force myself to get it done before bed. Our family room in the basement is right next to our workout area so my treadmill and weight bench stare at me the whole time I'm watching tv on my butt. 

5. So far, so good. I've been doing awesome with my diet and exercise and haven't had any problems feeding my daughter. I think as long as I don't take it too far, I'll be ok.

So, that's my story! I think I'll revisit this entry often to keep me on track. The one thing I kept realizing as I put this list together is I really have a bunch of lame excuses that I can't say are more important to me than my health! (oh yeah, and seeing my a@@ in a cute pair of jeans). Happy Wednesday!!

Where am I?

I weighed myself this morning and I've lost weight for the first week. I should be celebrating! Instead, all the negative thoughts are flooding my mind.
Can I keep this up? Followed by I should be doing more than I am and I don't think I'm losing enough to win anything and I HATE to lose...yes I realize that's not what it's all about but this is a competition! :)
Here's the ugly truth. I don't like to do things that I'm not really good at. Yep, totally true. I hate feeling mediocre. I hate it if I am not instantly the best. So, it kills me to know I'm out of shape and can't just get up and run 5 miles. And I hate the idea of the work it will take to be able to do it. It's humbling, totally humbling!
Another thought....I need to get away from thinking that not exercising or eating right is a 'treat'. Where does that come from? I think that's why I'm so funky right now. I feel like I'm depriving myself which is infuriating because everything I have been doing is to take care of myself.
Speaking of taking care of myself...here's what's worked for the first week: eating basically the same thing every day. Puffed kashi & blueberries for breakfast, lean cuisine & salad for lunch, banana & a tsp of peanut butter for a snack or greek yogurt and berries, then whatever I've made for my family for dinner but morphed into a salad...if I'm still hungry I'll have microwave popcorn or a protein bar in the evening. It's still a little tricky to figure out how much to eat while breastfeeding, but I'm working on it. I'm planning on moving away from the lean cuisines/prepackaged lunches but have a few in the freezer that need to be eaten. I think I'm going to grill a bunch of chicken breasts this weekend and cut them up for sandwiches next week. How about the rest of you? What are you eating?

Love this!

I just read a quote that is quickly becoming my mantra:

"Never trade what you really want for what you want right now."


I am on fire! I'm not sure if the scale is going to reflect the heat, but I have been ON! As I said, I really do think those before pics were a wake-up call for me. I have had 4 days of clean eating without a single slip-up. Every time I think I want to eat something I know I shouldn't, I repeat that quote above and it gives me strength. It just totally resonated with me.

Next area to tackle is my exercise. Yes, I had a baby 7 weeks ago....but I'm ready to go. I have been doing 2 miles of fast walking every day for weeks now. I am tempted to start running this week, but had a really sore SI joint for the last part of my pregnancy (where I couldn't walk without being in pain and wasn't able to stand on my right leg to put my pants on!). It has been feeling better, but I think I might need some physical therapy to get it back to 100%. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow so will ask about it then.

That brings me to my next thought. My husband and I talked about exercise yesterday. He is a runner. He's 6'3" and built like a runner. He's always done a lot of running. Me.....I have been completely inconsistent and would never consider myself a runner, but I want to be! I think it's the best exercise, you don't need a gym membership and you can just step outside your door to get a good workout.  I've done 5Ks, a 10K and a 1/2 marathon (which I power walked most of, so hold the applause). Yesterday my dear husband told me that he thinks my 'problem' is I always look at it as working out instead of just making exercise a part of my life. He's right. I exercise to meet a goal because I hate it. I think I just try to do too much too fast because I want to get to the point where I actually enjoy it. Then I get burned out and think of reasons to get out of it.
So, this time I've decided I am going to become a runner, but at my own pace. I am going to start with the Couch to 5K program and just take my time. No deadlines, just me and a desire to work toward what I really want!

Ug!

I mean that in a good way, I think. I took my 'before' photos yesterday and sent them to Kari for the weight loss competition. It was such an eye opener! I've been telling myself that even though I know how much I weigh, I just carry it well. Hello! Seeing the photos made me realize I'm not carrying it as well as I thought!  It's a good thing, though. It helps me realize how important it is that I stay motivated and get rid of it because I can't fool myself anymore. I also feel totally embarrassed that I actually look like that. I almost apologized to my husband last night for it. I decided not to because I do need to make this journey different. No telling him 'This time I'm serious.' or 'I just need you to help me stay on track.' It needs to be about me and I need to hold myself responsible and show him I can do this. 

The hard part is not letting the weight totally overwhelm me. It just feels like I have such a big journey ahead of me. I'm just trying to break it down day by day and not think too far ahead. Slow and steady wins the race (and the money, hopefully!) lol

So I started thinking about the last time I was successful at losing weight and what I did to make it happen. A few things worked for me that I'm going to try doing again. The biggest one was eating the same things every day. Sounds boring, but it worked. I might switch it up a little bit but the meals will remain basically the same for a few weeks. The other thing is doing cardio 5 day a week and strength training 3 days a week. Now, last time I was only 21 years old and didn't have a 21 month old and a 7 week old to keep me busy. This time I am including my kids in my cardio by doing it with them in the double stroller every afternoon and the strength training I can do after they are in bed. I really have no excuses....I have an awesome treadmill, free weights (barbell & dumbbells), weight bench, giant mirror, exercise bands, stability ball and big screen tv in my basement. There's no reason I can't exercise! 

So, here goes nothing! I'm going to use this blog as my personal journal so I'll apologize now for the rambling....but I want to record everything I'm thinking as I go along to remember all of it!

Putting a pretty shirt over your muffintop doesn't make you a cupcake!

So, the muffintop must go! 

I'm starting this blog to record my weight loss journey. I just joined my first weight loss competition that starts on June 1st and am full to the brim with motivation! What motivates me, you ask? 

I have a long history of struggling with my weight. When I was in my early 20's, I lost 110 lbs. It was a hard journey but I felt like a new person at the end of it. I'm 5'8" and was comfortable in a size 8. Ok, I take that back. I still wanted more. Yeah, I was happy with the progress that I had made but wouldn't wear shorts or tanktops if I wasn't at home because I still didn't like my arms or thighs. Now I look at photos of that girl and just shake my head. I had it all wrong! I looked great! 

Fast forward to now. I'm 34 and have been married for almost 3 years. The year before I got married, we moved to a new state and my whole routine changed. I stopped working out regularly and gained 10 lbs. When we got engaged, I worked out like a madwoman and lost it. After the wedding, I gained that 10 lbs back on our honeymoon. After the honeymoon I found out I was pregnant and stopped working out completely and cut all the sugar-free, fat-free crap out of my diet. That 8-1/2 lb little boy came out and I still had another 65 lbs I had gained. Yikes! I lost a little bit of it after he was born through sheer luck because I had no motivation to do anything. I got pregnant with #2 when my son was a year old and just gave birth 6 weeks ago. Now I am 65 lbs above the weight I had maintained since my loss and am realizing what I've done to my body. I feel overwhelmed to have to go through losing it again, but know I can feel miserable being fat or be uncomfortable losing it.

So, after all that blabbing, I will say I'm motivated by a few different things: 

1. I want my body back for me. I want to wear the closet full of cute clothes that I look at longingly every day (as I sigh and put a maternity shirt on!).

2. I want my husband to be proud of the way his wife looks.

3. I don't want my kids to have a fat mom. 

4. I don't want my insecurities to prevent our family from living a full life. I want to feel ok putting a swimsuit on to take my children to the pool, for goodness sake!

5. I don't want to pass my poor self-image on to my children. I want them to see my confidence and commitment to a healthy lifestyle. 

My goal for this journey is to keep it healthy. I don't want to add back the sugar-free garbage that lets me eat without calories. If it's not good enough for me while pregnant or breastfeeding, it shouldn't be good enough for me when I'm not. I am going to focus on increasing my exercise and practicing mindful eating (along with keeping a food journal). I know I didn't put this on overnight and it won't come off overnight, but I'm looking forward to seeing what I can accomplish over the next four months!